


He Watched On

by writerllofllworlds



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Merlin, I'm Sorry, Leon and Percival are awesome, Magic Revealed, Merlin returns to Camelot, Merthur - Freeform, Sadness, Some Humor, after season 5, hurt everyone honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 14:31:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13977105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerllofllworlds/pseuds/writerllofllworlds
Summary: Arthur was a ghost. He had determined it. Normal people did not die and then wake up with the ability to walk through trees.Arthur follows Merlin in his return to Camelot and begins to see the broken man he has left behind.





	He Watched On

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO AGAIN AND HERE IS MORE ANGST!  
> I do not own anyone from BBC Merlin. I am only a humble nerd who thinks she can write.   
> Please let me know if I should continue! Maybe a chapter where Arthur comes back? I already have a few ideas, but let me know what you think. Thanks a boodle!   
> Tons of love and hold on to your warlocks. They tend to be clumsy!

Arthur was a ghost. He had determined it. Normal people did not die and then wake up with the ability to walk through trees.

 

When the squirrel had run straight through him, he knew something was off. When Merlin couldn’t hear him screaming his name, he realized that this was going to be torture.

Watching Merlin weep was horrible enough. He stood on that shore from which he had sent the boat towards the isle of Avalon and screamed. He sobbed and pounded the earth and tore up grass and dirt. Trees cracked with his pain and the storm over their heads crackled with lightning, bolts raining down all around the man.

Arthur had stared on. He didn’t know that ghosts could cry.

 

Following Merlin back to Camelot was a struggle. Passing through familiar territory without feeling it. Knowing roads and trees and secret pathways that he never would again traverse.

When Merlin had been ambushed by bandits on the eastern border, Arthur’s heart had shattered.

The warlock’s magic had erupted from him like a tidal wave. The 30-odd men were dead instantly. And then he crumbled. Merlin stared at the trees opposite him and cried, eyes wide with a childlike horror. Like when Uther had told Arthur that his mother was gone forever or how Morgana had looked when she had been informed of Gorlois’s passing. It looked as if Merlin had lost the love of his life.

And perhaps, in a way, he had.

And that-that made Arthur _sob_.

Sweet Merlin who changed his boots out to dry when Arthur had called him traitor. Sweet Merlin who watered the horses and made Arthur soup when he had been told he could never be trusted again. Sweet Merlin who held him as his body went numb and the only sign of life was the warmth of Merlin’s hands on his face.

Sweet Merlin who had _always_ been _his_ and Arthur had never realized until it was too late.

Sweet Merlin who did not deserve the pain that he was feeling.

 

Returning to the city was horrible. People glared at him coldly, some elders spat at the ground when he passed. Some people uttered words like treason and cowardice. Others merely watched Merlin sadly and told those around him that the king was gone.

 

He was assaulted by knights in the citadel courtyard. 3 blows were landed on Merlin’s fair face when Leon came running out of the castle to break up the attack. Arthur had let out a breath he had been holding as his trusted knight helped Merlin off the ground.

“Would you like to have a swing at me too?” it was the first thing Arthur had heard Merlin say since he had returned. “God knows I deserve it, and I won’t fight back.”

Leon enveloped Merlin in his arms, a stray tear escaping his tightly closed eyes. “I’m so sorry, Merlin.”

Shocked, the servant hesitantly wrapped his arms around the lord’s back, returning the embrace. There was a moment of silence and then a sob. “I couldn’t save him.”

“I-I went to Gaius.” Leon pulled back. “Merlin, I’m glad it was you.”

The warlock stared back at the knight, surprise dancing through the pain in his eyes. “…You know?”

The older man grasped the younger’s biceps and grinned through his tears. “I’m grateful, Merlin. For-for everything that you’ve done. I don’t know the extent of what you can do, or what you have already done, but-,” he stopped, letting out a wet chuckle and squeezing his friend’s arms. “I’m proud of you, Merlin.”

“Leon…”

“You are so much more than any of us gave you credit for.” The two men smiled at one another. “After you see Gaius and Gwaine, I do hope you’ll come find me. I-everything you’ve done- I want to know. I want to _listen_.”

Merlin sobbed again, but this time he was smiling, “Yes, I suppose I will need to go say hello. Gwaine’s hugs are almost as good as Arthur’s. Were- I mean...”

Leon’s smile faltered. “Merlin… didn’t you say goodbye?”

Arthur, whose heart had been absolutely soaring at Leon’s acceptance and love, let out a shaky breath. _Goodbye_?

“Goodbye?” The warlock’s grin faltered as he voiced Arthur’s thoughts.

“Oh, Merlin…” Leon grabbed the man’s shoulder. “Percival brought him back. I thought you knew-,”

“No.” Merlin shook his head, stepping out of Leon’s hold. “No, no, NO!” And the warlock sprinted towards the steps to the castle, ignoring Leon’s shout and Arthur stupidly trying to stop him.

Arthur knew exactly what was happening. He knew what was behind the Physician’s doors.

But when he saw Gwaine’s face, when he saw the way Percival’s hands were shaking as he slipped the blanket over the knight’s face for the last time, when he saw the way Gaius was collapsed in his chair, head in his hands, it hit him.

Reality crashed down on Arthur. The past two days of following Merlin home, of seeing people try and hurt his best friend, of watching him suffer, of all the things that would happen now that he was dead, this was unthinkable.

 

“Gwaine.” Merlin croaked. The physician and the knight looked up at the newcomer in the room.

_Gwaine couldn’t die_ , Arthur had thought. Gwaine was Gwaine. Gwaine was the foolish drunk who was loyal to a fault. Gwaine was the person who didn’t think royals were any good but was willing to risk hide and head for Arthur.

Gwaine was strength.

Gwaine was dead.

“Morgana,” Percival muttered, a hand on Merlin’s shoulder. “She tortured him. He-I couldn’t save him.”

Merlin reached forward and pulled the sheet back. He leaned down slowly, pressing his lips to Gwaine’s cold forehead. “I’m sorry.”

“Arthur?” Gaius breathed.

Merlin met Percival’s eyes and moaned, “I couldn’t save him.”

The knight enveloped him in a hug, and this time Merlin was immediate to respond. He grasped Percival so tightly that both of them might break. The two men sank to the floor, and Arthur watched on, shocked but not saddened, as the toughest knight he knew sobbed into the shirt of the man who had lost so much.

He looked back at Gwaine’s closed eyelids.

And now he had lost another.

“I guess-,” Merlin took a staggering breath. “I guess he finally found a king worth dying for.”

Percival sobbed harder and Merlin held him tighter.

Hours seemed to pass. The two finally sobered up and stood.

“Gaius, do you mind if is stay a little while longer?” Percival whispered.

The old man smiled sadly. “As long as you need, my boy.”

The knight nodded gratefully and retook his chair by Gwaine’s bedside.

Arthur watched as Merlin placed a hand on Percival’s shoulder, grip tightening for a moment. “Wait for me, won’t you? I- don’t want you to have to bury him alone.”

“I was thinking of taking him to the place where Lancelot was burned.” The knight muttered with a smile. “Maybe they could wait for us there until we join them. You think they would?"

“Those two?” Merlin chuckled, a wonderful sound, no matter how quiet. “They wouldn’t leave us behind.”

“And-and Arthur too.” Percival stuttered, placing a hand on Merlin’s.

“And Arthur.” The warlock agreed.

“Merlin, I know.” the knight murmured.

“Gaius has been telling on me, I see.” The glance shared with the physician was kind.

“I’m proud, Merlin.” Percival whispered. “I’m _honored_ to be your friend. Leon and I-,”

“I’ll explain everything.” The dark-haired man winked. “But there is one more person I need to see.”

“She’s angry.” The knight muttered.

“I know.” Merlin nodded. “She has every right to be.”

“She’ll come around.” Gaius added, his voice sending a sense of calm through all in the room. Arthur felt extreme fondness for the physician, and Arthur couldn’t help but feel like the little boy who had cut his finger on his father’s sword again. Gaius looked at Merlin with the same expression that he had looked at Arthur with when he had patched up his fingers and promised not to tell.

Once again, Arthur discovered that ghosts could cry.

Merlin simply nodded and walked to the door. “I-,” he turned around and whimpered, “I’m sorry.” Then left.

Arthur stayed only a moment to see Percival and Gauis exchange forlorn glances before following his friend.

 

Gwen was seated on her throne when Merlin walked in. his head was hung low as he entered and the guards, who had known the gangly boy for years, nodded as he passed. The queen looked at the man for a moment before swallowing and ordering, “Leave us.”

The guards turned in unison and filed out of the throne room, the door slamming behind them.

Tears swam in Gwenivere’s eyes as she descended from the platform and stalked towards Merlin. She was breathing heavily, and she let out a chuckle.

Merlin smiled faintly. "My Lady-"

_Slap_.

"You were supposed to protect him."

Both Merlin and Arthur froze at the poison dripping from her tone. Her eyes flamed with an emotion neither had seen in her for a long time: hate.

"You were supposed to protect him!" She screeched suddenly.

Merlin blinked twice in shock but otherwise made no other movement.

"How could you?!" She fumed, hands fisting at her sides. "He trusted you! Hell, Merlin, he loved you! You were his best friend and you betrayed him!"

"Wait," Merlin swallowed, tears appearing in his eyes. "I did all I could."

" _Liar_!" She yelled. "If you had done all you could, he would be here! Standing in front of me! Alive!"

Gwen snarled, a horribly venomous expression on her lovely face, and spat, "If you had done  _all you could_ , you would have traded your life for his!"

Arthur choked on air.

"It doesn't work like that," Merlin mumbled, not an inch of anger inside him. It was as if he thought Gwen's actions were justified like she had some divine right to strike him and berate him.

"Really?" she seethed. "Because I think that your pitiful life would have been a fine trade. You haven't had a problem giving your life for Arthur before!"

Arthur wanted nothing more than to break through this spirit barrier and stop her. Could she not see how broken Merlin already was? Gwaine’s body flashed across Arthur’s mind, the people in the lower town’s harmful treatment, the knight’s abuse. His own state and the body that Merlin had to burn. The friend that Merlin had to burn _alone_.

Did she not understand?

"No, it’s not like that!" Merlin croaked, a tear sliding down his cheek. "The Old Religion only takes fair trades! You don't think I didn't  _try_?”

Arthur’s gaze jerked to Merlin. “ _I’m sorry, **what**_?”

How long had Merlin been standing on that beach?

“You misunderstand my loyalty, Your Highness! I did try and trade my life for his, but the Old Religion wouldn't accept it!"

"And why's that, oh great Sorcerer?" she laughed bitterly.

"Because I'm not worthy!" He snapped, but immediately shrunk back on himself, voice cracking. "My-my life - I don't value it as much as I value his- they're not worth the same. Mine's so much less..."

No, no, that wasn't right. How could he think that?

Arthur glanced at Gwen.

She was why. People had been doing this to Merlin for  _years_. Berating him, blaming him, insulting him, hurting him.

Arthur had done that.

He had done all of that, in his own anger or self-consolation.

"It wasn't an acceptable trade," Merlin whimpered. "Because Arthur's life is worth so much more than mine."

Gwen scoffed and raised her chin. "And why did you not come back and find a suitable sacrifice? One that was worthy?"

The king stood there, shocked.

Merlin recoiled. "Arthur wouldn't have wanted me to- to come and find someone to die for him." He straightened, "Arthur died to _protect_ his people!"

She almost cut him off. "It doesn't matter what Arthur wanted! He was dead! It was your sacred duty-."

“Gwen, do you hear yourself?” Merlin croaked. "I did all I could! But I will not go against Arthur's wishes and kill someone else to save his life!"

Gwen scowled. "It hasn't stopped you before."

Arthur wanted to scream at her. Shout, roar,  _stop her_.

Merlin looked away. "Not innocent people. Not  _Arthur's_  people."

The queen slapped him again, and this time the warlock stumbled backward. "My people."

"Arthur would have blamed himself for it." Merlin rubbed his jaw. The bruises from the knights were being overlapped by the red handprints Gwen was leaving behind.

"Or you." She snarled again.

“No, he wouldn’t’ve.” He whispered. “We both know him better than that. He loved his people-me. He never wanted me to risk my life for his. He hated it.”

“Apparently his love for you wasn’t mutual!” Gwen screeched. “In your cowardice you let your king die!”

"I wouldn't have done it!" He shouted back, almost desperate. "Arthur would have hated me for it!" Tears spilled down his cheeks in waves. "I did everything I could, Gwenivere. There was  _nothing_  else I could do."

"Then you are pathetic." she hissed. "Pathetic and useless and cowardly. Gaius told me you were powerful, the most powerful warlock to ever live, but look at you."

Merlin met her eyes gracefully, without shame or anger. "What is it you wish of me, My Lady?"

She turned her back on him, facing the two thrones. "What do I wish?"

Arthur burned with fury. He was practically enveloped in flaming rage. His wife, his promised constant companion, was breaking Merlin. His Merlin.

Even more than he already was.

Merlin waited patiently, tears shining with the setting sun, and Arthur wished he could wipe the pain away. He wished he could come back to him, to Camelot. To set things right.

To keep Merlin safe, just like Merlin had always dome for him.

"What I  _wish_?" She repeated with a scoff.

Silence, only broken by the breeze filtering in from the windows.

"I wish you were dead. I wish you were _dead_ and he was _here_. I wish that _damned_ Old Religion had taken you and left him."

Arthur nearly tore apart the afterlife as Merlin asked dutifully, "Is that an order, Your Highness?"

Gwen's jaw hardened. "I'm not sure." She turned, eyes filled with loathing. "What do you wish?"

“My wish is the same as yours, My Lady.”

The queen let out a shaky breath and regret flashed in her eyes. “Merlin-,”

Merlin did not give her a chance but simply whispered, "I'm sorry."

"I-," Gwen looked away, to the thrones that would forever be half empty. "Go on, Merlin. Don't fall down the stairs."

Merlin's lips tilted upwards and the tiniest hint of hope flashed in his eyes. He nodded respectfully, before turning and walking out of the throne room.

 

He watched Merlin retreat to his room- _Arthur’s_ room. He watched the man touch the bed-clothing and cry. He watched the man let his fingers ghost over the pillows. He watched Merlin walk to his dresser and take one of the king’s close and pull it close to his face, caressing it against his cheek. Arthur watched as his best friend took one of the rings that Arthur had worn when he was younger- still a haughty prince who had a life of struggles and blessings ahead of him. He watched Merlin slip it onto his ring finger and his heart hurt at the gesture.

He watched and wondered how many times Merlin thought of _them_ – of what could have been - when he was carrying the weight of their destinies on his shoulders.

“What was the _point_ , Merlin?” Arthur whispered into the silence. “Of having a bonded destiny if you weren’t willing to share? What was the point of taking all the pain when I was supposed to share in your suffering? What was the _point_? Why did you have to be so damn selfless? Why did you have to be so good? Why-,” he let out a sob.

Merlin pressed the ring to his lips, the tears falling on the band of gold as he held it to his chin.

“Fuck,” Arthur croaked. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck_!”

It was all so wrong. All of this. All of this shit that Merlin had dealt with within the last week, let alone every other damn thing Merlin had lost or given up for him. For _Arthur_.

“Why did I have to leave you alone?”

He watched the man sit at the table for the king and he thought of Gwaine. He thought of the two men who would risk their lives to keep Merlin safe and how they were both gone.

“I’m sorry.” Merlin sobbed.

Merlin was alone.

Merlin was broken.

Arthur watched and cried. Cried and screeched in a manner no king every should. He wanted to tear apart the veil that was keeping him from Merlin and wrap his arms around the idiot. He wanted to apologize for everything, thank him for everything else. He wanted to kiss him, wanted to hold him like he had always held Arthur when he had needed it. He wanted to hug Leon and Percival and Gaius. He wanted to be there to bury Gwaine. He wanted to hug Gwen and tell her it would be alright.

He wanted so much, but most of all he wanted Merlin.

Arthur watched as Merlin walked to the bed that he had made for years, the bed that his master had been sick in, had been happy in, the bed that Merlin had healed him in. The bed that no doubt Merlin wished he could share. He watched as Merlin curled up on the covers and stared out the window into the night sky.

“I’m sorry.”

Arthur could do nothing but scream against the invisible barrier and wish that everything was different.

 

 

What is magic without strength and courage to guide it?


End file.
